


don't fucking stab me, asshole

by itisjosh



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Animal Transformation, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Humor, Politics, This is the best thing i've ever written
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-07
Updated: 2020-12-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:08:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27933616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itisjosh/pseuds/itisjosh
Summary: Schlatt, the terrifying dictator of Manberg, is no longer. Sort of.(or: schlatt turns into a ram. quackity has to figure out how to fix it)
Relationships: Alexis | Quackity & Jschlatt
Comments: 18
Kudos: 196





	don't fucking stab me, asshole

Quackity knocks on Schlatt's door, sighing when he doesn't hear anything in response. "Hey, di-" he pauses, biting down on his lip. Pissing Schlatt off this early in the morning isn't worth it. "Schlatt," Quackity corrects himself, clearing his throat. "Schlatt, come on, man. Time to get up. You have a meeting with Tubbo and Eret today," there's still no response. Quackity curses under his breath, figuring that his President is probably passed the fuck out. It's his own fault - he drinks too goddamn much. "Schlatt, I'm _going_ to come in," he warns, knocking on the door again, louder, this time. "Schlatt!" He shouts, annoyance worming its way in his chest. If this asshole drank himself to death, Quackity's going to resurrect him and kill him again. "Fucking hell, dude," he opens the door, thankful that it isn't locked. He stares at the empty bed, locked window, and pile of empty bottles in the corner. "What the fuck." 

Quackity closes the door gently behind him, looking around the room. "Schlatt?" He asks, frowning at how quiet it is. He's not the biggest fan of coming into Schlatt's room, especially when he wasn't invited in. It tends to escalate into arguments and shoving fights, and..Quackity sighs.

Whatever, he'll fucking deal with it later. He always does.

"Schlatt, dude, seriously. This isn't fucking funny. You have a country to run, you can't just act like this," Quackity pauses when he hears a rustling in one of the corners of the room, turning to face that direction. "What the _fuck_ ," Quackity breathes out, staring at the impassive face of a ram. "How the hell did you get in here?" He asks, carefully walking towards the creature. He shouts when it charges him, headbutting him in the shin. "Ow, asshole!" Quackity kicks at the animal, catching its side. He watches as it nearly flies across the room, thudding into the wall. "Yeah, well," he huffs. "That's what you get." 

The ram stares at him, its eyes..furious. They look unbelievably human..

There's no fucking way.

"Schlatt," Quackity breathes out. The ram puffs out its - _his_ \- chest, jerking his head up. "Oh my god," he crouches down, immediately wondering how Schlatt's going to kill him for kicking him. "You're..not human," he murmurs, even if it's obvious as hell. "How did this happen?" He watches as Schlatt saunters up to him, slamming his horns onto Quackity's knee. "Ow! Dude, _stop_ ," Quackity shakes his head. "I'll figure this out," he promises his President. "I'll just ask a witch, or-"

Wait. 

Why would he do that?

What good reason does he have to turn Schlatt back into a human?

Quackity wracks his mind for an answer, and he finds nothing. There's no good reason for him to bring Schlatt back. 

He grins, grabbing Schlatt. He hoists the ram up with him as he stands, grinning right at him. Schlatt stares at him, furiously kicking, desperately trying to get free of Quackity's grasp. "Guess what, bitch?" Quackity laughs, holding the former President at arm's length. " _I'm_ President now." 

* * *

Schlatt ends up getting loose. 

Quackity rubs the painful bite mark on his hand, wondering how the hell a ram's teeth could be so goddamn sharp. He glances up when he hears something rustle, sighing when he sees the dark outline of Schlatt. Even if he's nothing more than a ram, he's fucking scary. "Hi, Schlatt," Quackity murmurs, watching as the ram steps into the light, and..he has a fucking knife. Of course he does. "Put that down," Quackity points at the weapon. "Schlatt, put it the fuck down. Don't. Don't," he stands up as fast as he can, stumbling back. Schlatt walks towards him, slowly. "Don't fucking stab me, asshole." Quackity snarls unsheathing his sword from his side. He points it down at the ram, feeling his heart beat faster. He's..why the hell is he afraid of an _animal?_

Probably because the animal is Schlatt, and Schlatt has always managed to be terrifying, human or not. 

Schlatt stares at him, tilting his head. His mouth tightens around the knife, and Quackity takes another step back. "Listen, I didn't mean it. I swear, I wasn't _actually_ gonna take your job," Quackity jokes, although that's exactly what he planned on doing. "You wouldn't stab your VP," he pauses. "Right?" 

Schlatt rushes forwards, knife pointed outwards.

 _Wrong_.

* * *

Quackity doesn't know how the fuck Schlatt still has him under his thumb, but he does. 

He watches as Schlatt wanders the White House's halls, knife in his mouth. He has a tiny tailored suit on, a tie hanging off of his chest. Tubbo was shocked when he first found out, obviously. 

_"He's an animal, Big Q. Why don't you just take over?"_

_"It's not that simple."_

Quackity sighs, resting his head on his hand. Schlatt struts into his room, knife scraping against the ground. "Hey." 

No response, as usual. 

Quackity breathes out, turning to face Schlatt. He winces at the pain in his leg, looking down at the wraps. Schlatt fucking stabbed him. He's not surprised. 

"Where to next, Mister President?" 


End file.
